Well that made me uncomfortable.

Tonight I had to think.
It wasn't very comfortable.

There are certain movies that are out there that make you think. Now, I'm not referring to some mind-bending sci-fi plot that makes you wonder if you're living inside of a dream; I'm talking about movies that deal with societal issues. They're deep. They're serious. And they make you uncomfortable.

As part of my intercultural communications course, I watched The Help. I thought it was very well done, and enjoyed watching it. It's not exactly the kind of movie I'm going to watch repeatedly every Friday night now, but I'm glad I watched it.

There are so many issues of cultural prejudices that it touched on. I knew going into it that the movie would deal with racism and issues between blacks and whites in the 1960s; what I didn't realize, however, is that it would also deal with social classes, gender, and the elderly. It even touches on same-sex attraction.

I'm not going to explain at length the movie; I'll let you watch it for yourself. I will, however, share my thoughts after watching.

The movie made me uncomfortable, and this is my third time telling you that. Why was it so? Because watching it made me open up and examine my own life. And as much as I like putting on the image of some stellar dude that can do no wrong, I'm not. When I look down deep, and get down and dirty with myself, I realize that I am not as free from racism as I'd like to think I am. I judge people far too often. When dealing with people who speak English as a second language, I'm far too likely to discredit them because of their inability to speak the language. However, when I take the time and make the effort to get to know them, I find bright, talented individuals.I met a man once on a job site who is Russian. His English is terrible, enough that I finally just started texting and emailing him (and yes our communications improved dramatically). There were some problems that arose, and he was the first to offer help and resolution. Through the course of the project, I got to know him a little more, and gained a great respect for him.

Another example that comes to mind is being quick to judge based on class. I've been working on this and am hopefully doing better, but that pride thing is a tough animal to beat. How often do we not want to talk to someone because we have judged their social class? Or as soon as we find out that someone is gay, our skin is crawling til we get out of the room. It sounds awful, but gut check here- has it happened? If that's something you honestly haven't encountered, then kudos to you. The rest of us, however, are still working on it.

Now I'm not calling myself a racist pig here. I honestly believe that I am fairly open minded and I try to be kind to all I meet. But the point I understand tonight is that these are real things, all around us. We didn't beat this in the 60s with the civil rights movement. We didn't beat it in the 80s and 90s with all our fancy legislation. Steps forward? Yes. Improvement? Definitely. But we aren't perfect at it.

I think the key is keeping in mind that people we meet, although they are different from us, are still human beings. They're individuals with talents, desires and a heart of their own.

My resolve is to make a better effort to treat people as, well, people. My resolve is to be less quick to judge, and more quick to get to know someone for who they are. I have repeatedly found in my life that the more I get to know people, the better I like them. Just spend a few minutes on their facebook page, and you'll find that there's a person there worth knowing. So I'm going to get uncomfortable. I'm going to make efforts that I normally wouldn't, I'm going to get to know people, and set aside differences and prejudices.

Go on- get uncomfortable too. You'll be glad you did.

Have you had any uncomfortable experiences? Leave a comment about it, or about your plans to get uncomfortable!

The Point

Wow, that sounds like a good movie title.
Never mind.

My wife was talking to me the other day, and mentioned she felt something was missing in our lives. Now, we are currently staying with my parents temporarily while our house is finished. My first thought was that yes, we are missing something: our own place to live!

Now and again, most people ask the question- what's missing in my life? It's very similar to another question- and often linked- am I missing the point?

I thought about that last night. My career isn't where I want it. My schooling isn't where I want it. Things just aren't working out like I had antipicated. So I ask, what's the point of all this? All the things I've wanted?

So I consider the things I'm working for. As I said, we're building a house, and that is a large part of my hopes and goals. I also would love a hot shot job for a big company. I want a boat. I want to go on vacations. I want to have time with my family. I want, I want, I want!

It's normal, even good, to want something better. If not so, we'd wallow in our sorry state and never progress. But as I look at this list, I realize how pathetic it is. My nice new house is not going to do me any good when I'm 6 feet under, nor is that boat or job.

So what on earth am I working towards in this life? If all those material things aren't lasting, what are the things that matter most?

Scores of conference talks and scriptures address this subject, so I won't even try to be an authority on it. But I will, however, share my feelings and take on it. What matters most is our relationships with others.

I love funerals. There, I said it. They have an incredible way of bringing you back down, putting you in your place and giving a clear perspective on life. And they motivate you to be someone better than you are.

In a book I recently read, it went in great detail to a young man's funeral after he took his own life. What impressed me was how no one spoke of his fancy job or car, or the sweet condo he had in San Francisco. Rather, they talked about personal interactions with him, and the effect of his influence.

This is what matters. Everyday relationships. The car, house, boat, job... mean nothing. But when I reach out and help mow a widow's lawn, or visit a friend who is sick, or  whatever else I may choose to do, I am suddenly doing something that will make a difference.

Would it be nice to have a boat? Sure. An expensive sports car would also be a dream come true. But the best place to be is using what we have been given to bless, lift and enrich the lives of others. I hope I can do better getting there.

Straight or Wavy?

I acted a little weird last night.

Okay, we can escalate that to really weird.

I think last night I was a dealing with a little bit of depression, and almost a bit of self-identity crisis. As I thought about that, I realized a few moments ago that my self esteem, my perception of myself and how happy I am with that, varies. I used to think there's a line, a bar, of what level you like yourself. I like myself, I'm glad I'm me, or I don't. It was a definitive thing that was black and white, and didn't change. I always considered myself on the positive side with good self esteem.

I found today, however, that it isn't so much a bar, but more of a winding road. 

My perception of myself is a fluid thing. It is fragile, egotistical, and powerful. It changes from week to week, day to day, sometimes hour by hour or minute to minute, anchored largely by what others think and say.

Last night I didn't think highly of myself: I haven't exercised in far too long, my hair is thinning out, my awesome tan is almost gone. I wish the list ended there, but it doesn't. I felt like a crappy dad, a worse husband, and wondered what on earth am I doing with my life. I think those thoughts have carried over a little into today- I'm not "comfortable in my own skin" today.

One thing has helped me today, however- I am a son of God.

I grew up singing "I am a Child of God," and it became cliche. I don't know that I have understood, until recently, the importance of knowing that. And what does it mean that I'm a son of God? It means that even though society says I need a tight sixpack and killer tan, I'm still worth something to Him even if I don't have that. It means that even though I didn't get a whole lot accomplished at work, or I don't have a big high paying job in New York, My Father in Heaven still loves me for who I am and what I do. And it means that even though all I did was get after my kids and put them to bed, He trusts me and loves me.

So I'm grateful today that I'm a child of God. It's important for me to recognize that every person I see and meet is also a child of God, whether they believe the same as me or not. Seeing people that way makes me want to be more open and accepting. But that topic is for another day.

Interpersonal Communication on the web

I took an interpersonal communications class while working on my bachelor's degree . I loved the class, learned a lot, and had such a great experience that I want to teach it myself. We learned a lot about nonverbal communication, emotions and their effect on communication, and much more. But not once did I ever stop to think about my interpersonal communications that take place online each and ever day. Well, now I’m starting to think twice about it.

While obviously very different, I can’t help but feel that interpersonal communications online are very real and present. Being in an online program, I can definitely attest to their reality! Many of the challenges of face-to-face communications are thankfully removed- when I’m online, I don’t need to worry about my hair, how I look, or if I happened to leave my zipper undone. I’m also not judging the other person by their appearance. It’s a different ballgame, but the end results can be just as rewarding.

One of the major concerns with computer-mediated communication (CMC) is the potential lack of personalization. I have seen it myself- rather than looking at a person, we’re looking at an inanimate object, this object that we own, and it is sometimes hard to keep things personalized. There will probably always be things that will be impersonal- today, for example, I signed up for Pandora Radio (which, by the way, I highly recommend!). It was an automatic, impersonal thing. But that’s okay; when I need to have interpersonal communications, I am able to easily if I choose to do so. Let me explain through a couple of examples just how interpersonal communication can work online.

I went to BYU-Idaho for my BA in communication. Rather than a community college where locals are the majority, the dynamic of the school is such that students come from all around the country to attend. I myself was 7 hours from home (my record was a 6 hour drive). While it brought in diversity, it also made things difficult when graduation time came. Rather than going home a few blocks away, my friends ended up across the country. Under normal circumstances, that’s the end of a friendship, right? Not exactly. Through CMC, I have been able to keep in contact with those close friends. We email regularly, are friends on FaceBook, and text message each other often. We update family blogs, keep up on the news, and are able to maintain our friendships. Our pre-existing, face-to-face relationships have been strengthened through CMC.

I had another interesting experience this summer in my COML 508 course. During our last assignment, we were placed in teams and had to come up with a major project. I was put with three other individuals I had never met before. We had replied to a couple of posts, but had never enjoyed that face-to-face, interpersonal relationship. While working on that project, however, I developed a great friendship with those teammates. We joked, struggled, and worked together- all in an online environment. We did reach the point that we needed some phone conferences to finalize things, but the majority of our relationships were formed online.

Things have to change a bit. When building relationships through CMC, you have to think a little about what you’re saying. You have very few ways to show who you are online, and your words speak the loudest (for some to their favor, for others not so much). There are language adaptations that need to take place. You'll note throughout my blog that I often place side comments in parenthesis (it's a way I have developed to showing an off-hand remark I might have made had I been in person). People often use emoticons to show emotions, as many jokes have gone wrong online where there is no non-verbal communication to show it was a joke ;) Emoticons began in the 1980s for that specific purpose (Mohun, 2002). Because so many jokes were being taken the wrong way, Scott Fahlman suggested they use :-) to show pleasure, and :-( to show displeasure (Lowe, 2003). It worked, and has spread like wildfire across the internet. I find myself using them most often in text messages to be sure the short message I send carries the right emotion.

So, in short, interpersonal communication is possible on the web. Sure it needs to be adapted and isn't perfect. No communication is. But we do at least have one more medium available to communicate and develop relationships.

Sources:
Lowe, Richard (2003). A Brief History Of Smiley's. Retrieved January 23, 2009, from http://www.nerdtimes.com/emoticons/.
Mohun, Sam (2002). Emoticons. Retrieved January 23, 2009 from http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/2002/sep/19/netnotes.